A Micro Holiday Gift Catalog

by Richard L. Howey, Wyoming, USA



The season approaches when all the merchants and politicians urge us to go out and spend, Spend, SPEND! It’s good for the economy, we are told. As I write this, it is only mid-October, but the great corporate selling machines are already gearing up. Halloween at the end of this month, Thanksgiving at the end of November, Christmas at the end of December, and then the New Year and all of the merchandising executives are already salivating. If you are a male, they are hoping that you will buy a Rolls Royce and a 10 carat diamond ring for your wife, a Ferrari for your obnoxious, pimply teenage son, a Lear jet for your eldest son, a full-length mink coat for his wife, a Palomino for your daughter, a condominium on the beach in Belize for your mistress, and–well, you get the idea. And, if you’re a female, they want you to prod your husband to buy all of these things, except the condominium. You, as the wife, will be responsible for planning outlandishly lavish dinners and parties and coordinating with the caterers and florists. Of course, if you live in Bangladesh, Chad, Darfur, Mongolia, Burkina Faso, East Timor, Uzbekistan, Ecuador, or other such places, you may have to scale things down a bit.

Well, this year I decided to get in on the action and bilk, sorry, entrance, microscopists and natural history buffs with a selection of outrageously overpriced micro-gifts. Actually, I should qualify that, since I do have some rather dismal, uh, I mean, genteelly inexpensive items, items in the range of 10 to 25 Micro-dollars ($Md) with a flat shipping rat of 1,000 $Md each. Sorry, no combined shipping.

So let us begin.

Item # 327-A467-9221-8B583-9217-000-Z (also available as Item # M1).

This is from our dazzling Closterium Collection.

This is a micro-canoe that will delight the entire family. It is a genuine Closterium and consists of the finest materials nature can provide. The lovely green coloration is both eco-friendly and provides camouflage. This canoe has remarkable stability and its basic construction has proven its worthiness for over 1 billion years. The padding on the seats is made of the finest pre-Cambrian membrane. This is the kind of quality that you can expect only from our company Micro-Mini-Macro-Maxi Profits and, naturally, each item carries our seal of approval certifying that we approve of it. Astoundingly, its price is only 28,000 $Md. (plus shipping). Another popular item from our Closterium Collection is the hammock.

This sturdy piece of outdoor furniture is ideal for relaxing after a long day of canoeing. It has been tested and will easily support up to 800 pounds which means that several people can use it at once (or one very large person). Astoundingly, its price is only 28,000 $Md. (plus shipping).

Yet a third example of the versatility of the Closterium is the multi-use cart.

This can be used around the yard, for grocery shopping, or as a pram. It can be ordered in a variety of colors and patterns. Even your nanny can maneuver it, since it weighs only 180 pounds. Astoundingly, its price is only 28,000 $Md. (plus shipping).

After the work is done and your gardeners and maids are recuperating, you may wish to have a bit of mild exercise with our Closterium boomerang.

Notice the rich wood-like finish. This boomerang is ideal for just a very light workout or for a sticky, sweaty, exhausting, disgusting display of macho exhibitionism. It all depends on whether or not you have a Labrador Retriever. This boomerang has been so carefully engineered that we absolutely guarantee that it will never–yes, that’s never–return to you no matter how cleverly you toss it. So you can take your dog out and have him or her retrieve it and get a good wrist workout or you can chase it yourself in a pathetic display of physical bravado completely ignoring the advice of your physician after your three previous myocardial infarctions.

The entire Closterium Collection can be viewed at our online catalog store at: microminimacromaxiprofits.

Next you may wish to consider a relaxing addition to your living room, recreation room, library, or study with an ottoman from our Elegant Echinoid Collection.

Imagine putting your feet up on this marvelous Stereocidaris grandis! You can almost hear the crackling of logs in the fireplace as you stretch out with a snifter of your favorite cognac. This magnificent piece of furniture is truly one of a kind and available for only 39,500 $Md. (We will provide no prices for any other items. Simply operate on the principle that if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.) Our ottomans come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and color patterns and we are certain that you will find one to complement and enhance your decor. Consider three other examples.

We are certain that whichever one you select, you will be delighted. (We would add a caution that these are not chairs and should not be sat on.)

While we are discussing furniture, we must mention our most unusual chair which is perfect for the recreation room.

This is perhaps the most unusual item in our inventory. This living chair shapes itself to your body when you sit in it and provides a soothing, cooling massage. However, you do need to take care to select one which is of the appropriate size, since small children and pets have been known to disappear in rooms containing these chairs.

Speaking of children, we have a wide range of items destined to please and entertain them. Consider our Spirogyra Water Slide.

As you can see from the images, this promises many hours of sport for youngsters as they glide through the coils. This Water Slide requires special installation and may be purchased in a variety of lengths depending on your assessment of the gastric stability of your children.

If you are a family of three, then you will certainly wish to consider our Diatom Dining Table with its rich wood grain finish and space-saving design.

We also have very small versions of this which make marvelous trivets. In case you have been contemplating the acquisition of a fine work of art for your house, we have thousands of fine canvases available accompanied by an extensive selection of frames. If you are attracted to themes from nature and have an affection for pachyderms, we can provide the splendid elephant below.

Or if you are more ornithologically inclined, we have this fantastic egret.

Or our lovely Sand Dollar Bird.

If, on the other hand, you are more inclined toward abstract works, we also have a superb selection in this area. We can, for example, provide you with a large number of Rothkoesque canvases such as the two examples below.

Perhaps you are seeking something small, but precious. In that case, our Radiolarian Jewelry Collection has just what you need.

These unique earrings will make your wife the envy of her friends. But you may have in mind some redecorating. You have a number of projects which you have been postponing and now just before (or after) the holidays would be an ideal time to acquire new wall covering and/or draperies. We have a stunning array of patterns.

This is our loveliest (and most expensive) fabric taken from our Fine Feathered Friends Collection. The first image shows the feather from which we begin and the second images shows one of many possibilities which can be derived from this genuine feather.

And this elegant example is from our Papillon Collection and has even preserved the texturing of the scales of the butterfly’s wing. The first image is a section from the actual wing of a Charax brutus and the second is one of our many pattern derived from it. Finally, after all those long, hard days of earning all that wonderful money, you may wish to come home and relax by escaping from this world by peering out into space through a new superpower telescope through which you might see something like this:

or this:



All comments to the author Richard Howey are welcomed.


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Published in the December 2006 edition of Micscape Magazine.

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