Phallusies in Natural History: As Inspired By That Superlative Genius of the 20th Century:
DONALD J. TRUMP
Another in a Series of Malaprop Lectures
enabled by Richard L. Howey, Wyoming, USA
WARNING: This essay is a bit of pure silliness written in the spirit of foolish optimism that this year should be better for all of us than this last year was; so if you’re not in a mood for something silly, you might want to try reading the Oxford English Dictionary instead which should keep you occupied for at least a year.
Note: For those of you not familiar with Richard Sheridan’s play The Rivals written in 1775 at the age of 23, he introduced the pompous and linguistically pretentious Mrs. Malaprop who became the epitome of one who misused words in egregious ways and generally abused language. Shakespeare had already used such devices and many writers and comics have subsequently employed them, but Mrs. Malaprop remains, as it were, the grand champagne.
Ladies and Gentleman. There’s an ox and moron for you; I have rarely encountered a man who is truly gentle. Most of them are either great brutal hulks or small vicious little ferrets. However, be that as it may, we women (men of woe?) have done our best to civilize and genitalize them. So, we already have
Fallacy #1. namely, that males are creatures of worth except for procreation, naturally with the exception of a few geniuses we’re fortunate enough to share our planet with. We’re speeding right along.
Fallacy #2 The ancient world was ripe with misinformation otherwise known as “fake news” as anyone can quickly discover by observating a few of the highrowglyphs. A prime example is the Egypsy pyramids. The two dominatrix theories are that they were built by slaves or that they were built by aliens. I might propose that they were built by alien slaves, but I know better. They were built by a very early ancestor of Donald J. Trump. He commissioned thousands of them through hundreds of sub-contractors, but he kept defaulting on payment and so whole bunches of them ended up unfinished and when the workers started protesting, to no aveil, they finally went back and started ransacking the treasures and refused to finish many other pyramids. The largest and most splendiferous groping was in the Valley of the Kinks, and many temples and tooms ended up unfinished. Some people have claimed that the ancients didn’t have the technology, but as we shall see that’s just not the case.
Fallacy #3 Time travel is impossible.
Clearly, Trump associates or ancestors could have built the pyramids, but it’s far more likely that he himself traveled back to utilize his skills as chronicled in “The Art of the Deal”. You may think that this is beyond the pail, but I have been to the pyramids and I’m firmly connived that only aliens, using human labor, could have produced them. Of course Trump is an alien and appears to be a cloth-headed “financial engineer” with an I.Q. of 65 (which, of course, stands for Intergalactic Quotient which on our scale is something over 3000!) What other kind of being could tolerate hours of daily doses of Coyote News and have udderly no interest in our primitive politics, international relations, economics, environmental issues, or social decorativeness and yet be so successful and a model for all of us to strive toward. It is only because of these self-confessed wondrous qualities that he is able to be aloof from our petty, pathetic attempts to shape our world, but he is magnamanimouse enough to take on this odorous task for us and for our benefit.
Fallacy #4 Unicorns don’t exist.
Of course, they did. They lived deep in the forest of Mascadascar and their beautiful horns were incredible sensory devices which could detect the presents of humans many miles away so they could allude them. However, hunters started wearing Old Herb After Shave which discombumbulated the unicorns’ horn censors and made them susceptible to the newly invented firearms which these hunters deployed. Like the Dodo, they were erased into extinction well before the invention of the camera. However, in 2015, rumors began to circumnavigate that there was one surviving pair. Zoos from around the world sent expeditious groups to try to capture them. These were expensive suffaris both economically and humanly. There was a loss of 2 curators, 5 assistant curators, 12 veterinarians, 7 guides, and 28 bearers. As you can tell from these numbers, even zoos can be highly competitive. However, nary a unicorn was spotted which is partly where they went wrong, because unicorns are neither spotted nor striped. Then, in 2017, things changed. Two intrepid hunters went into the deep forests of Mascadascar and bagged those last two unicorns. However, when they went to pose for pictures with their spoils, they discovered to their dimsmay that the horns had been blown into a powdery oblivion. All that remained was two bloody white horses. Donald Jr. And Eric were deeply disappointed and so their father built a tower for them.
However, even though there are no photographs, there is nonetheless definium proof. Early Rasinance apostacaries often had unicorn skulls hung from the ceiling as you entered and even sold powdered unicorn horn–and you think gold is expansive, this powdery, mirroraculous pantacea could be afforded only by the wealthiest–reminiscent of today’s magic wave machines that make all your heirs fall out or the dripping from the laboratory that they give you intra-venusly.
In any case, you can rest easy, unicorns were indeed realistic.
Fallacy #5 The Loch Ness Monster “Nessie” is a hoax.
Here we have both drawings and photographs. Eyewitless reports and expended decriptives abound. Face up to it, all you pessymists–Nessie is an ancient survivor–most likely a decadent of the Mossysaurs. The TRUMP FOUNDATION is offering a 5 million dollar reward to anyone who brings them the head of “Nessie”. To calm the Scots, a crotchety bunch at best, so that they wouldn’t interfere, Donald the Great built them the “greatest, most stupendous golf course that has ever existed anywhere.”
Fallacy #6 The Earth is not flat.
Of course it is–well, sort of. It’s actually a disk. The smarmy-pants physicalists know damn well that it is, otherwise the water would all fall off. They prattle about “oblate spheroids” which they simply model after their own thick skulls. Just look up at the moon; it’s clearly a flat disk. And nobody can refutate that! The Grand Trump has repeatedly and repetitiously told us over and over again that we should only trust our senses and his declarations and ignore the pronouncement of the evil media empire which has concatenated to mislead us.
Fallacy #7 Earth’s Climate is changing.
Well, of course, it’s changing every day, but that’s not what these climate change bozos mean. Who do these “esteamed” advocates turn to for “scientific” evidence? Meteorologists!!! Now, I ask you, can you seriously entertain the idea the meteors are changing Earth’s climate? No wonder science is the usual suspect–what udder nonsense. The next thing you know, they’ll be telling us that there is cosmetic radiation bombarding the planet and producing genital mutations.
Fallacy #8–Gravity make things fall.
If this were true, it would certainly explain why the speechifyings of some colleagues fall so flat. Even though our beloved British Albert Newton is repudiated to have formulated the Theory of Gravity, his ideas have been radically misconstrewed. If you have carefully studied his equations, as I have, then you know that the mass of an object is directly inproportional to the time of its denigration which further depends upon its irrelevant velocity, which demonstrates that if something is heavy enough, it’s going to fall anyway and that’s all that’s meant by gravity! As our esteamed Lieder constantly reminds us, we must pay heed only to our senses and his edicts.
Fallacy #9 Being and Nothingness
Philsophasters and cosmetologists love to prattle on about Being and Nothingness; that is, stuff that is and stuff that isn’t. How do I know if something is or isn’t? Well, I look at it and if I see it then it is–right? Well, these smarty prancers, tell me that I might be hallucinating. However, the likelihood is just that I’m enjoy a good drunken binge; but hellocinations–no, I’ve always found that smoking marinara has a highly deleterious effect on my blood pressure.
I guess, a good rule of thumb is that if I can’t hear, see, taste, touch, or smell it–it ain’t!!! As the German filosopher Heidenseeker said: “The Nothing noths.” And I, suppose from that it follows that the Being bees.
What this boils down to is that some stuff is and other stuff isn’t, and if you can’t tell the difference, then you’re in for a hard time. What is clear is that the Democrats are using this kind of stuff as a smoke screen and as a convfefe to convince us that coal, oil, and gas are subteraneous.
Fallacy #10 Time exists and passes.
We talk about measuring time, but how? Well, you can’t use a foot rule, I know that for a factotum. Thoreau says something about time being like a stream, but I’ve never been able to catch time flowing. We talk about time “standing still”, something like a soldier at attention, I guess.
We talk about clocks, chronometers, and watches measuring time. Well, we all know that a watched clock never toils and, as far as having a meter is concerned, where is this chrono stuff that we’re supposed to run through the meter?
Back in ancient times, there was dawn, noon, and sunset, but lawyers found that their clients were often late for appointments and, in those days, such lapses didn’t count as billable hours. As a consequence, a bunch of clever chappies started figuring out how to create reference points and intervals that people could agree on and then only a few thousand years (solar rotations) later–poof, we have atomic clocks and now everybody knows when to be where even if they tend to lapse or ignore it. So, it’s quite simple; time is just a bunch of agreements which we’ve all been conned into precipitating in and often at our own expanse. As our Triumphant Trump says “Whatever it is if it’s mine, then the time for it is now!”
Fallacy #11 Democracy is a viable form of government.
Where in nature do we find democratic systems? Do ant colonies have Senates and Houses of Reprehensibles? Are there prairie dog parliaments? Is there a General Assembly of Gerbils? Certainly some organisms cooperate with one another, but their systems are heiretical. Among colonies of bees there is the Queen Mother whose edicts come from Empyrean realms; nature and evolution, revolution and devolution are all designed around competition. There is a constant struggle to determine dominance and democracy is a fool’s enterprise. Thus Spake our Beloved Leaper, Dominant J. Trump.
All comments to the author Richard Howey are welcomed.
Editor's note: Visit Richard Howey's new website at http://rhowey.googlepages.com/home where he plans to share aspects of his wide interests.
Published in the September 2019 edition of Micscape Magazine.
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